It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*lint rolls you awake*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE