Who knew!
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
All excellent questions
The three genders.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.