how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping