(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
S/o to @funTweeters .
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.