if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Bros before Ohioes
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
lmao
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.