X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
They grow up so quick
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one