Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
is this how new cars are made??
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Omg 🤣
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Rather alarming headline…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”