I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people