On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Was it something I said?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
me doing my best
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints