Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you