A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Running from your problems is cardio .
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”