My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I just ran a .003048K
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW