Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
honestly, i need both:
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.