How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.