I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The booster protects against what, now?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Feels
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.