Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
How do horror writers compete with current events?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.