[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?