My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Straight people are cancelled
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
(Gaming support cat.)
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.