“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.