“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.