We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
You Might Also Like
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”