Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun