11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
necessity is the mother of invention
Poetry is my passion
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
They’re the worst 😩
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”