Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support