My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider