[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
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I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Our lord and savoury.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.