My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The happy life.. 😊
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.