Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Need this in my life lol
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater