I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
peep davidson
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
This makes total sense…
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.