A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”