He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Goodnight 🐶
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.