Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen