Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.