10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
hey, alexa