Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*