Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!