That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Do not steal food from the science building!
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week