*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health