Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*skinny dips into black hole
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
the chicken was already gone when I got here
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room