FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I see your IQ test came back negative
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆