Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.