My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe