🍛
You Might Also Like
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.