Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?