I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.