Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
You Might Also Like
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Put a ring on it
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together