My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
You Might Also Like
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
🙅🏻
No Google it does not
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?