I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*