When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.