{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.